Chapter 17: We have met the Noodle, and she is, um…
Horribly angled branches, with gnarled twigs grasping at the gloom passed by the window. Anyone else, from any other part of the world, would immediately proclaim this place as haunted. The too-close stacked trees gave birth to illusions of skulking movement, while sinister patterns in the bark made blasphemous hieroglyphics, incomprehensible warnings to anyone stupid enough to stay the night.
But we were from The City, and to us, if felt like a homecoming. Erin sat up, the empty tequila bottle rolling off her supple thighs and hitting the car floor with a muted “bonk”.
“Oh… this is more like it.” She stretched her arms languidly, like a cat after being stuffed in a carrier for hours. “That tequila really seemed to help… but now there’s a problem.”
“What’s that?”
“I am fucking horny,” she drawled, as her hand reached out & began sliding its way up my thigh. “I guess I should have told you what tequila does to me, but I was way too far gone to care at the time.”
“Dammit Erin,” I said, “Your sense of timing absolutely sucks. We have to get to the next treeline in under an hour.” The trees seemed to press upon us, reach out to the econobox, but somehow, it felt like an embrace. Not as much as an embrace than Erin’s palm placed firmly in my crotch, however. Erin leaned in close, smelling of sex and tequila, and kissed me gently on my neck, then nibbled lightly. I was definitely beginning to respond. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to take a short break, I thought, as Erin pressed up against me, her soft skin rubbing against my shirt.
“L, c’mon, I know you—HOLY SHIT!”
I felt a sickening pain in my gut as she clenched her fist in reflexive terror, and an equally sickening sense of dread, as I saw what was in the road. It was a barricade, but a barricade made up entirely of limbs. Not tree limbs: It seemed like it was everything buttree limbs. Cow legs, deer legs, dog legs… but mostly human. Severed arms, dripping stumps of leg; feet, both bare and with shoes. It was pretty gross. I pulled the econobox left, hard, trying to avoid a collision, but the mass of appendages spanned the whole road, and the trees seemed to bunch together, forming a wooden wall, sharp branches jabbing out like spears. The front right fender slammed into the meat pile with a wet Thud, and my face slammed into the steering wheel. Just like a cliché, everything went black.
I came to only a few seconds later, my cheek warm & wet, and Erin shaking my arm. It seems the econobox had web safety, so she had the dubious privilege of her torso being held firmly to the seat by a tight mesh of plastic threads, with only her arms free to move. It certainly showed off her figure.
I was feeling a bit woozy, but managed to thumb the web release on the dashboard, and Erin breathed a sigh of release as the threads snaked back into the seat. “Damn,” she muttered, “that was worse than a steel corset.”
I managed a grin. “I’d love to see you try that sometime.” I opened the door, and motioned to her. “You’d better come out this way, I’m not sure you want to go out your side.” The econobox was partially buried in the limb blockade, making exit impossible, a grisly mess pressed up against the side window.
Erin climbed over the seat, and gingerly checked herself out next to the car, testing for any broken bones or bruises. I could tell I had a pretty bad cut on my face, but apart from that, I seemed to be fine. I walked around to the back, opened the case with the neuro-disruptor, and jammed an energy cell into the hilt. There was a momentary high pitched whine, and then silence. I made sure the mystery letter Stain gave me was still in my pocket, and walked back around to Erin.
“Ok… what the hell is this!” She pointed to the mound of flesh.
“I can only figure it’s one of 5 things. One: Another utopian community has bitten the dust. Two: Someone’s got a really weird fetish. Three: Noodle’s run for Prezitator has gotten… extreme. Four: Someone has a fucked-up idea of a practical joke. Five: Whoever’s writing the script of our lives right now doesn’t know how to write the part of Noodle, and they’re stalling for time.”
“Wait. Repeat that last one again?”
“Never mind. More esoterica. What’s important here is that we get the hell away from this pile of meat before we’re spotted.”
“Why? Aren’t you and this Noodle character supposed to be friends?”
“You think this entire Mountain is under her control? No way. I mean, she’s certainly trying, but there’s waaay too much terrain up here to cover. And believe me, there’s a few groups ‘round here you do not want to mess with.” I hoisted the disruptor. “I’d tell you to stay behind me, but I doubt it would do much good, as most of these fuckers already know how to play in 3 dimensions.”
“What the hell do you mean—”
From out of the trees, what sound led like from all sides, came a unified shout: “SUBMIT FUCKERS! FOR I AM AWESOME!” And then a shot, loud. And another. I heard the thick squelch of a bullet tearing into the pile of dead limbs, and I grabbed Erin, pulling her low to the ground. I fired the disruptor straight ahead of me, and got lucky. A scream, and the sound of a body falling to the ground. I pushed Erin ahead of me. “Run! That way! Now!”
We almost made it to the edge of the road. Two large figures leapt from the upper branches of the trees, slamming into us with little grace, but much force. I saw Erin crumple, as my head slammed into the ground. The last thing I heard before the dark world of unconsciousness robbed me of my senses was, “I don’t like spiders and burritos are cool. I want to break little glass people right now. Whales remind me of spleens.”
Well, I guess we found her, I thought.
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